Wait

Psalm 28

2012-02-07T09:04:00.001-05:00

I arrived early to work this morning and sat in the parking lot. God, I don't have the strength today - if I go in there the way I am right now, I'm going to lose it. I can't face this day.

An old dusty statement from my adolescent years fell from my lips last night, "I don't want to feel anymore." Nothing good ever comes from not feeling.

I flipped open to the Psalms, hoping to find the verse about how God sets our feet in spacious places, but instead I found this:

To you I call, O LORD my Rock;
do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you remain silent,
I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.
Hear my cry for mercy
as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands
toward your Most Holy Place...

...Praise be to the LORD,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.
The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.

My heart trusts in him, and I am helped.

Not Without Him

2012-01-31T07:10:00.002-05:00

What I've learned this past week is sometimes God shows up by not showing up.

Sometimes He withholds His presence because He loves us too much to let us continue in the lies.

Sometimes His absence makes us pause and question the road we're on. Like Moses, I beg, "If Your Presence does not go with us, do not bring us up from here." God, if You're not coming with me, I'm not going.

Sometimes his silence changes our plans. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, but if He doesn't show up, I can't do anything without Him.

I pray, seek counsel, pause and question, and make a change.

The decision final, I pray again -- and in the quiet darkness His peace floods in.

Oh, there You are, God.

Desperate

2012-01-22T14:42:00.002-05:00

What do you do when you look for God and can't find Him?

I needed Him badly this morning. I broke routine and went where I thought I might hear His voice...but I didn't.

Now what?

I was banking on being in His presence; I had all my eggs in His basket, and He didn't show.

Now I have to face this week alone?

Yesterday I cried on my knees in my bedroom. Today I cried in the Macy's parking lot.

How empty do I have to be?

How desperate?

What am I supposed to do with all this pain?

A friend called and we talked for awhile. He told me about Rich Mullins' song Hard To Get, and now I'm listening to the words, letting it play over and over again.

http://grooveshark.com/#!/search?q=rich+mullins+hard+to+get

Life Hurts

2012-01-19T07:20:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like life, like just being here hurts?

Don't get me wrong - I think life is good and that it's worth pushing through. I'm just saying that the pain is there, and sometimes it hurts more than others.

Sometimes. Like now, like yesterday, like the day before yesterday.

Just putting toes on the bedroom rug, thinking of all the steps the day requires, shuffling out to the coffeemaker, making breakfast, getting ready, turn down the heat, turn on the car, lock the back door, drive to work, personalities, thoughts, views, opinions, responsibilities, people, culture...I almost can't stand it. It feels like an unending barrage of demands and I'm running on empty. I feel overwhelmed, exhausted, trapped, scared, and mad that I'm scared. I'm on edge. I feel like I'm going to lose it.

I don't know what this is about and I'm not sure I have the energy to care. Delayed processing, spiritual attack, growing pains? I don't know.

I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping for a glimpse of Him that'll make it all worth it.

Monday: Reality Check

2012-01-16T17:40:00.000-05:00

I felt pretty good as I hopped out of bed this morning. Good weekend, decent sleep, a low-traffic Monday...things were looking up!

Then I read my devotional, and it said my day would hold difficulties, but God would be with me.

Oh right.

Of course.

Fallen world = imperfect day. Do I really start off thinking that things are going to go smoothly, the way I want them to? Sadly...yes. No wonder I'm blindsided by disappointment so often.

Difficulties, difficulties, difficulties I whispered to myself as I got in the car.

It turned out that the biggest difficulty I encountered all day was me. I guess I should've seen that coming.

That Which We Have Seen and Heard

2012-01-14T23:59:00.010-05:00

I slept soundly last night for the first time in over a week. It was wonderful. On my way to the kitchen, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the bathroom mirror. As a female, I look in the mirror every day, but it's usually at parts of me - an eyelid, a gray hair, a stray eyebrow, a new laugh line. Today I looked in the mirror and saw me, saw Lauren. It felt like it'd been a long time.

For the last two weeks, I've been sharing blog posts with my Friday night group. I've confessed to a crowd something that I've previously only whispered to a few. It's been a terrifying, liberating experience.

Initially I was excited for all the wrong reasons - I get to share my blog! Maybe they'll like it...maybe it's not good enough...maybe - hold it. Wait. Stop. Ever so clearly, I felt the Spirit say, "it's not about you, Lauren. All you're doing is sharing how God showed up for you when you were at the end of yourself. It's all about Him." In the span of an hour, God changed my heart so that when it was time to share, I was appropriately nervous, praying that He'd handpicked the people who came and that He would use my experience to touch their lives - that I would be a vessel in His hands. That was the first Friday.

I thought I'd be more relaxed the next week - after all, the hard work was done - but actually I was more nervous; I'm still not sure why. My prayer remained the same, that He would be honored, that He would touch hearts, but the anxiety persisted. Maybe it's okay that it did. Maybe it kept me acutely aware that without Him I offer nothing. Maybe it was important for me to push through the fear no matter what the personal consequences. Maybe it's not about being comfortable, but about testifying to "that which I've seen and heard," His presence in my here and now.

All I know is that when I saw myself in the mirror this morning, I saw eyes that were clear and rested. I saw peace instead of weariness. I saw wholeness instead of all the many flaws.

Beneath the lingering anxiety, I saw joy.

That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, concerning the Word of Life - the life was manifested, and we have seen, and bear witness, and declare to you that eternal life which was with the Father and was manifested to us - that which we have seen and heard we declare to you, that you also may have fellowship with us; and truly our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ. And these things we write to you that your joy may be full. 1 John 1:1-4

A Memory Worth Celebrating

2011-12-23T17:10:00.013-05:00

A friend of mine talks about foundational memories - those memories that stick in our minds, the ones that have shaped our lives for good or for bad. I can't remember the specifics, but at some point I learned that it wasn't okay for me to be angry. Since it's not okay for me to be angry, when I am mad, I have to hide it and make it go away. That's where the self-destructive behavior comes in - it redirects my attention without ever exploring the reasons behind the emotion. Anger, hide it, redirect - this has been my pattern for years.

With this month's triggering event (my last post), God gave me a new foundational memory. It was okay for me to be angry. I asked for help with the anger instead of hiding it. I let it out instead of holding it in. I was accepted, not rejected - loved, not judged - free to let it go and able to process it - mentally and physically unscathed, instead of scarred and ashamed.

A new foundational memory to replace the old one. A new picture. Hope for the future.

I shared this with a friend, whose face lit up with excitement, "This is worth celebrating!" Celebrating...yes, I guess it is! It is a big deal. I was so glad to be reminded me that I can celebrate God's intervention in my life. We didn't just talk about it - my friend went the extra mile:

A lasting, physical reminder of God's love and presence in my life. To trade a scar for a charm, self-hate for God's love, destruction for freedom - freedom into Life. No words can suffice, just Thank You, God.

Processing Anger

2011-12-23T15:28:00.004-05:00

Earlier this month, I was in charge of an event. I spent months dreading it, planning it, rounding up support for it, getting ideas for it, and the day before it was to happen, it was canceled, canceled for no good reason. It was like hitting a brick wall. Anger, frustration, disappointment, disbelief - anger, frustration, disappointment, disbelief, over and over and over again. I don't know what to do with anger; I never have. I don't know how to process it.

I spoke with my counselor. We talked about steps I could take, questions I could ask, conversations I could have. It was nice to know what to do, but I needed more time. I needed help being in my own skin; I wasn't okay. I felt wrecked - raw and undone, unable to think clearly, unable to get perspective. I felt like I'd crossed a threshold and couldn't go back.

I couldn't calm down.

I had the conversations, I asked the questions, but nothing changed and I - could - not - process. I felt myself spiraling, stuck in my emotions, and when I get like that I only know one way out - physical pain to shock my system. It's a means of grounding, of regaining control, but it comes with a cost: shame, despair, and self-loathing.

As a last resort, I sent out emails to close friends, "I don't know if I'm going to make it through the week." They wrote back, they advised, they prayed. One of them called me on my way home from work, and he listened as it all came tumbling out - the lack of consideration, the selfishness, the injustice of it all. He listened. He didn't minimize, he didn't brush it off, he didn't tell me I was overreacting. He didn't question my anger. He let me know that my feelings were appropriate and valid. It didn't change the situation, but it changed me. I found that I could breathe again. I discovered that there was space inside for me to sort through and process my emotions. Instead of bottling it up and bearing the marks of the brunt of my anger, I'd let it out in the safety of a friendship and found acceptance, love, and the freedom to let it go.

From darkness into light.

A Sacred Grief

2011-11-23T16:14:00.014-05:00

Copy, fold. Copy, fold. Copy, fold. Copy, fold.

The machine prints out the programs like clockwork. They line the tray, mirror images of each other, one after another after another. On the cover, the face of a young man - healthy, full of life, a friendly smile. I've never met him, but I've looked at his photo so much today that I know I'd recognize him if he walked through the door...

...but he won't. At least, not here.

Kneeling beside the copier, I scoop up the programs and lay them gently in the box. I wish I had something softer, something with fabric and smooth corners. There are already too many sharp edges. I wish I could place them directly into the hands that loved, the hands that cared, but that won't happen until Saturday.

Copy, fold. Copy, fold. Three hundred, four hundred, five...

How can this be?

How does one so strong become one so frail? Twenty-seven: the same age as my brother. They, too, have a baby on the way.

What words can bring comfort?

Who can know what it is to suffer the stabbing, piercing loss and separation, and celebrate the Life, whole and healed for all time? Who can know the gut-wrenching pain of a wife, a mother, a father? Of grandparents? Of brothers and sisters and uncles and aunts and cousins and friends? Who can know?

Words fall flat - insufficient, trite.

This is sacred ground.

What is there to do but wrap arms and hearts around, offer shoulders for leaning and to lift the weight, and give glimpses of grace, of beauty, and of Christ?

On Making Mistakes

2011-11-12T17:41:00.004-05:00

To my boss: "I'm tired of making mistakes."
Him: "You'd better get used to it."

I laughed, but a day later, his answer continues to ring in my mind. I was expecting him to say, "Oh, you'll get it eventually," but instead it was, "You'd better get used to it," - as in, you'll never not make mistakes. Once again, I've been operating under a let-me-learn-how-to-do-everything-so-that-I-can-do-it-perfectly mentality. I really did (do?) think that one day I wouldn't make mistakes anymore! How arrogant, how absurd. I guess I slipped that Super Lauren cape back on again...I really, really want to be perfect, but in reality, I'm such a mess.

I'm glad he reminded me of my humanness.

Blur

2011-11-09T23:47:00.005-05:00

Sitting on the hard wood floor, pressed up against the door frame. This is the most secure I've felt all day.

My mind is spinning. It's all just too much, too much. It seems like a lifetime ago that I stood at the lake and snapped those pictures. I'm not able to talk...not able to break things down into manageable chunks. Too many things are in disarray.

I only know one way out of this, but it's not a good way. The longer I wait, the faster I spin.

Please pray for me.

The Week Ahead

2011-11-07T08:21:00.004-05:00

Through tears and dread:

God, thank you for these three huge projects...I am overwhelmed and scared. I don't know how to do this, I don't know who to ask, I don't know where to even start, and if I fail it will be horrible. I don't have the skills for this, but I'm believing You do. I'm believing you've allowed me to have all three at once so that I will know it's Your strength, not mine; I'm believing that You will give me guidance, help me figure out the connections, the schedules, the planning, the costs. And if I fail, I'll trust that You're in that too. I just know I can't do this alone.

Pictures of Moments

2011-11-05T22:39:00.009-04:00

Leaves strewn along the path;
Sky so blue.
Climbing the muddy hill in the rain - I need You, God.
Geese against the gray sky;
I feel so empty and lost...
but maybe I can worship You in these moments,
and let that be enough.

Cold Fear

2011-11-04T23:11:00.002-04:00

I round the corner and there he is. Surprise pounds heart into panic. There's nowhere to hide; he sees me. I head for the closest door, acknowledging him barely as I slip into gender-segregated safety.

How long must I wait? Two minutes...five minutes...

I emerge, scanning the crowd. Oh no, he's still here.

If I leave, he might follow me. If I stay, he might approach me. I scan the crowd again -- where are the ones who know? Where are the ones who have my back? Where can I plug into a conversation so that I will be inaccessible? Where is everybody?

Finally, a friend appears. I interrupt her conversation - she talks to me.

He leaves.

She and I talk for five, ten minutes. I'm so tired...I pray he is gone. We say goodbye, and I walk to my car, alone. It is cold and dark. Normally I am fearless, but tonight I am shaking.

I fear him. I don't want to, but I do. I wish I could get used to him, but I can't. I should have compassion, but instead, all my alarms go off, all my red flags wave, and I can't deny this fear.

Expecting to See

2011-10-27T20:42:00.002-04:00

It rains, and the sun peeks out from a break in the clouds.

I look up, expectantly.

Where's the rainbow going to be?

Life's hard, and friends walk alongside.

Lauren.

God, is that You?

"If there are wolves in the woods - expect to see wolves; and if there is God in this place - expect to see God." -Ann Voskamp

Pics from the week

2011-10-14T14:34:00.009-04:00

A couple posts ago I was dreading the beginning of fall, dreading the loneliness, the aching beauty. Every year I forget - and then remember - that the beauty always trumps the sadness. Once I see the trees all gloriously on fire with reds and burnt orange, my heart swells with deep, other-world joy. New music, a new CD from a grassroots artist completes my soundtrack for Autumn 2011. The music is here, and the pictures from my week are below.

Can I just say - I love that God put orange feet on this duck.

Spiritual Assessment

2011-10-06T15:16:00.004-04:00

At the request of a friend, I took an online spiritual assessment last week. Always the skeptic of "Christian" products, I had my doubts from the beginning. It's too short, it's too "churchy", it can't possibly be accurate - but scarily, it was. It nailed my personality. It nailed the faults I am prone to - specifically and especially, pride. It challenged me to pick several friends to take the assessment for me, to evaluate me, and I was embarrassed to realize that there's not one person I want to ask. I don't want to hear negative feedback about me from anyone, ever. Yikes.

So, I've been praying for the courage and desire to invite constructive comments from those who know me best.

In order to grow, I must be willing to see.

Buzzzz

2011-10-04T11:40:00.004-04:00

"Ding!" went my email this morning at 5:15 AM. My alarm clock goes off at 5:30, so it really wasn't a big deal. I sleepily fumbled for The Message on my nightstand, determined to plow through a few verses of Proverbs before starting the day. As I half read, half dozed, I began to hear a low-pitched buzzing sound. It started off quiet, then seemed to get louder and closer. In split second intervals my mind raced through the possibilities: helicopter, motorcycle, biplane - oh no...

It was a stink bug. A large, brown, low-flying, dive-bombing, wings spread, SB(StinkBug)747 headed straight for my pillow. I ran - yes ran - to the safety of the kitchen. Talk about an early morning adrenaline rush. And then I couldn't find him ...

Bug Hunt, my apartment, 9 PM.

Twenty Minutes

2011-10-04T08:45:00.000-04:00

Twenty minutes - that's what the doctor ordered. Get up, get dressed, go to work, and exercise - twenty minutes a day. When half an hour sounds overwhelming, twenty minutes sounds doable.

Within the first two minutes, the shock of cold air cuts through the stale exhaustion that's settled inside me; after ten minutes, I begin to unclench from the day's stress. I begin to notice the world around me - the puddles, the sunshine, the wet, green grass against the hard asphalt curb. Smoke rising out of a neighbor's chimney hangs in the evening air. If I close my eyes it's winter and I'm on a walk with my dad.

Memories unearthed.

The exercise isn't just exercise - it's part of making it. Twenty minutes is helping me stay above the line. Twenty minutes is helping me fight despair. Twenty minutes makes room for God's "truth whispers" to my heart.

And I need Him.

Not Again

2011-09-30T18:34:00.000-04:00

It's Fall. My favorite season.

The yellow leaves are starting to drop here and there, dusting the sidewalk with a pale splash of color.

Soon they'll turn brown and crunch beneath my feet.

Soon I'll have that thought again - it crossed my mind just yesterday:

I don't know if I can go through another Fall.

But of course I can. It's just that I don't want to.

Not like this. Not alone. Not again.

I don't want to go through this - this ache of witnessing the stunningly beautiful alone.

Alone.

Not again, God, please, not again.

I don't want to think that I almost grasped it even though I know it was all wrong. I could have been married, I could have had children, I could have been established, I could have been part of something, part of someone - I could have, I should have, I'm not, I don't, I'm stuck and have been and will be, forever.

Really?

No.

It was wrong, all wrong.

This aloneness is a blessing.

This ache is a gift.

It cuts to the core, exposes my heart, drives me to God...

So I'll take it.

I'll accept it even though I don't want to,

even though everything in me strains to escape

pain that weighs heavy on heart and brings

uncontrolled tears.

Sometimes the only way is through the pain.

Again.

To See Him Like This

2011-09-28T23:13:00.002-04:00

"To read His message in moments, I'll need to read His passion on the page; wear the lens of the Word, to read His writing in the world. Only the Word is the answer to rightly reading the world, because The Word has nail-scarred hands that cup our face close, wipe away the tears running down, has eyes to look deep into our brimming ache, and whisper, "I know. I know." The passion on the page is a Person, and the lens I wear of the Word is not abstract idea but the eyes of God-Man who came and knows the pain."

-Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

Oh, to see Him like this: tender, kind, all love, all compassion...all knowing.

September Saturday

2011-09-18T00:44:00.004-04:00

A spur-of-the-moment decision,

kayaking with Dad and Uncle.

A chilly September morning

with tiny raindrops.

Ponchos on; Dad Batman-like

as his dark blue poncho flapped behind him in the wind

Pine trees straight and true now bare and dead,

lying in the water.

Pine cones all white and frosted, lifeblood gone.

Great blue heron spreads feathers wide;

like a heartbeat, beating wings break the stillness.

Tucked beneath his body, a soon-to-be filet of fish

Three yellow kayaks;

miles of green trees and brown shoreline,

murky water.

We stop paddling.

All is still

and then

whispering winds - trees sway slightly.

I lean back against the boat

let go of the tension

worship.

I think He heard me

2011-09-07T23:59:00.003-04:00

I was on Route 29 on my way to work this morning, physically and mentally wiped out even though the day had only just begun. I spoke aloud into the silence, "God, I am so exhausted. How am I going to make it through this day? Please be with me."

I took the exit for Route 70, and as I rounded the final turn and began to merge into traffic, there, dead ahead of me, was this:

That's right. An 18-wheeler with COFFEE printed in huge letters just happened to be right there, right then, right smack in front of me. I laughed, tickled.

My God, my Father, knows me!

He heard me, answered me, cared.

To Be Heard

2011-09-04T19:27:00.008-04:00

One of the greatest gifts you can offer to the listeners in your life is to carve out some time to listen to them. A friend did this for me last week - intentionally created space to hear what was on my heart. No distractions, no cliches, no judgment - just time spent in a coffee shop: "What's going on with you?" There was true hearing and understanding, commiseration and encouragement. To be able to speak aloud the things that have been weighing me down, to speak and know that my words held meaning, that they mattered - that I mattered - meant so much.

I recently watched The King's Speech, and was reminded of a scene in light of the above conversation. Lionel and Bertie are in Westminster Abbey, and Lionel is recalling his work with returning soldiers from WWI.

"[These young blokes coming back from the front lines] cried out in fear and no one listened to them. My job was to give them faith in their own voice and to let them know that a friend was listening."

What happens to us when we cry out and no one listens?

What do we end up believing about ourselves, about others?

What does 'survival mode' look like for you?

What difference does a friend make?

For me, it makes all the difference in the world.

Trusting Him With this

2011-08-26T06:45:00.003-04:00

Praise to the Lord,

who doth prosper thy work and defend thee

Surely His goodness and mercy here daily attend thee

Ponder anew what the Almighty can do

If with His love He befriend thee.

Leaf

2011-08-14T21:55:00.003-04:00

Dear Lauren,

I love you,

~God

It's Nice Not To Have To Choose

2011-08-08T09:24:00.003-04:00

"You don't have to choose between staying close to Me and staying on course. Since I am the Way, staying close to Me is staying on course. As you focus your thoughts on Me, I will guide you carefully along today's journey. Don't worry about what is around the next bend. Just concentrate on enjoying My Presence and staying in step with Me." -Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young

The Parable of the Lost Retainer

2011-08-06T13:30:00.008-04:00

You know those parables in Luke about lost coins and lost sheep? They've always been a little hard for me to grasp -- I lose coins all the time but I don't tear the house apart looking for them, and I've never owned sheep, so the impact of the stories is somewhat lost on me. I understand the concept, but I haven't really felt the weight of it until today.

Two months ago, I lost my upper retainer. I lose it from time to time, and it always shows up a couple days later on my windowsill or just barely under the bed, but this time I really couldn't find it. I did tear my bedroom apart looking for it, to no avail. After a few weeks, the headaches started to set in. I don't get headaches. I get migraines about every two months, but I don't get regular headaches, so when they started, I knew my teeth were starting to move. I called my dentist, had an unpleasant conversation with his receptionist, and ended the call without making an appointment.

Now what? Now I wait until the headaches become intense enough that the pain becomes greater than the annoyance of making an appointment. It sounds ridiculous and I guess it is, but this is what I do. I comforted myself with the fact that at least I had the retainer for the lower teeth...not everything was moving.

So, two days ago, I lost the lower retainer. Forget the headaches - the thought of both sets of teeth getting out of line was enough to convince me it was time to call the dentist.

Today I've been rearranging furniture - not to look for the retainers, but just because sometimes I need a change. I moved my bed and the rug under it, caught my foot on the leg of the bed frame, and out of the dust popped my upper retainer. I can't describe the relief that flooded over me as the worries washed away. Two hours later, I dragged my big planter outside to give it a proper watering, and there in the plant soil lay my lower retainer! How on earth it got there is a mystery to me, but I was oh so happy to find it.

I almost called my best friend to celebrate (and I still might), but first I let my thoughts drift to God - to thank him for moving specifically into my here and now today, for letting me know I matter to Him at a time when I desperately need to know that's true.

In A Bad Place

2011-08-05T21:30:00.005-04:00

I know I'm in trouble when:

I can't carry on a conversation with those who know me best.

My answer to "how are you" is "fine" because I don't feel anything except detached, drained, and irritated.

I can't get past the lies. The one I'm holding onto tonight has deep roots, something like - this is hopeless, I don't fit in here (or anywhere), I'm basically fine, I don't need this, I don't matter, I don't matter, I don't matter.

I can't get to the truth and I don't want to. I fought it the whole time this evening, but I stayed for an hour because somewhere deep down, I hoped it would still break through. Maybe it did. Maybe being able to write and admit this is a step in the right direction...

Prayer of the Day

2011-08-04T12:31:00.001-04:00

"Oh God, help me get through the next 30 seconds."

Don't Let Go of the Leash - Updated

2011-07-30T09:08:00.000-04:00

I'm dog-sitting this week for a pit bull mix that I've known since her puppy years - Chloe and I are pals. I got home earlier than expected last night, so I decided to take her on a long walk through the neighborhood. We made it to the corner without incident, carefully avoiding the six grazing deer in the clearing across the road.

On our way home, I was lost in thought when Chloe suddenly erupted in a huge WOOF and lunged across my path toward another dog who was racing toward us across its front yard. Don't let go of the leash! - was the single thought in my mind as I struggled to hold her back, all 65 excited pounds of her. Thankfully, the other dog stopped short as it reached the edge of its invisible fence, but with all the racket between the two of them, you'd think there was a full-blown dog fight going on. Chloe and I got tangled in the leash and I went down - all the way down, ripping my jeans at the knee and leaving on the pavement the top layer of skin of all other points of contact.

I struggled to my feet and was slowly dragging a defiant Chloe off the scene when those six grazing deer, disturbed by all the ruckus, dashed across the road from our side to the other, distracting the other dog and leading him into the backyard while we made a quick exit.

Rattled, I muttered under my breath, "Okay God, what's the lesson?"

It's kind of like life, I think. We're going along, we think we have things under control, we keep an eye out for potential dangers and triggers and sometimes we successfully avoid them. But sometimes life comes at us out of nowhere. Sometimes our calm, quiet world turns to chaos in an instant. We have to decide in a split second what the risks are and how we're going to react. What's most important? What's the goal?

The goal was to hold on to the only thing that mattered: Chloe. Come dogs or deer or scrapes on the blacktop, I had to hold on to Chloe. I was mad, I was scared, but I knew no matter what - don't let go of the leash.

And so it is with God...come what may - and it will come - I have to hold on Him. He's the only thing that matters.

UPDATE: It's Saturday morning, two days after the incident. I just sat down to breakfast, opened my devotional and read,

"As you drift away from Me, My Spirit within you gives you a tug, prompting you to return to Me..."

and I realized that we're not the ones holding the leash - we're the ones on it. We are the ones so easily ruled by our circumstances. We are the ones who don't see all the dangers we've been protected from. All we see is that circumstance racing toward us like that dog across the street and we react like Chloe, growling, hackles up, teeth bared - completely forgetting that we're tethered to Almighty God.

God is holding onto us. He's right there with us in the moment. He's never caught off guard; He doesn't get lost in his thoughts. He sees all the dogs and deer before they ever appear in our vision. He anticipates our reactions and arranges for invisible fences.

God's holding onto us, even when it means skidding across the blacktop...

He went all the way to the cross for us, and He's never letting go.

On Endless Repeat: If I Flee on Morning Wings

2011-07-27T22:50:00.005-04:00

"If to heaven's heights I fly

You are still beside me

Or in death's dark shadows lie

You will stay close by me

If I flee on morning wings

far across the gray sea

Even there your hand will lead

Your right hand will guide me."

-Fernando Ortega

Stripping Away the Lies

2011-07-23T09:11:00.013-04:00

One thing I love about the group I go to on Friday nights is that I get to worship. For 30 minutes, I get to set aside all the worries and anxieties and stress of the week and remind myself that life is bigger than my world - there's Someone worth praising, there's Someone good in the midst of all the bad. The subtle lies I daily subscribe to lose their grip on my heart as I'm reminded of what's true.

Truths like

"Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover"

means the lies that

I am the controlling force in my world
it's all up to me
I will be consumed and relapse is inevitable
God tolerates me but I get on his nerves - he doesn't really care about me
if I try harder I can beat this

get stripped away. My heart can soften, the words of the message can sink in, and I am once again clinging to the One who is here in my now, who loves me, and who is recreating and changing me - His power, not mine.

Two days later, on Sundays, my heart is still pretty soft. I get to go and worship again, go and be reminded of who God is and who I am in Him. This double dose of truth (Friday and Sunday) carries me until about Wednesday or Thursday, when I start to scrape bottom again and begin to long for truths to break through the lies I've constructed around my heart.

I lift my hands to believe again.

Justice Rendered

2011-07-20T22:58:00.003-04:00

Overheard in Target tonight:

Young child to mom: "I think I'm an airhead."

Mom: "An airhead, huh? I agree with that."

I was just starting to bristle with indignation when - CRASH! - Mom runs her cart into two clothing racks, wedging it tightly. I ducked down the next aisle, unable to hide my grin.

Moms, don't call your kids airheads.

Relapse

2011-07-16T21:41:00.005-04:00

The thing that really sucks about relapse is the regret that clouds everything after the act is done - the knowing that you just sabotaged days, months, years of recovery for a cheap thrill that didn't satisfy. You knew it wouldn't, but intellect doesn't hold a candle to desire, does it?

It doesn't matter what your poison is. Some days are easy; others, you wake up and you can't stop thinking about it. Every waking moment is a conscious internal battle, and when you lose, a deadness settles in. Why bother fighting -you'll never beat this. You screwed up again, as usual. Everyone will be so disappointed. The voices keep coming - the lies, the accusations, the condemnation - and if uninterrupted, the relapse continues. Maybe you do it again (because who the hell cares now?) - have another beer, make another purchase, whatever it is, you repeat it - or maybe there's a hierarchy of addictions. Maybe once you do one thing, it's just a matter of time before other things follow, and by the end of the day, you've had a case of beer, three big macs, screamed at your kids, watched some crappy TV, and believed you'll never amount to anything, ever.

Regret. It's never worth it. The cheap thrill is only that - 30 seconds of feeling alive followed by three days of feeling dead. I don't know why the three days don't outweigh the 30 seconds when it comes to pre-relapse deliberations - I guess there's just something intoxicating about feeling "all in" that makes it seem worth attaining at all costs.

So what now? Is it still safe to crawl back in utter defeat to God or will you see that all-too-familiar look of disappointment and rejection on His face? Is it still true that he will call you His son or daughter and that his eyes will sparkle with the same love He felt for you yesterday? Is the gospel still true whether I'm in recovery or relapse?

Fog

2011-07-11T19:08:00.011-04:00

It was our first morning at Deep Creek. I woke up early and headed out for a walk with my camera. At first I was disappointed to see that our entire development was wrapped in fog, but as I rounded a bend, I was struck by the haunting beauty of it.

I made it out to the main road and saw this:

It felt like my life. Okay God...you're telling me to follow you. I can't see more than 20 feet in front of me...all I have is this painted yellow line and a road sign telling me to go slow... I stepped out into the middle of the road to get a different angle, and as I bent down and snapped the picture, two deer emerged from the fog right into my shot:

There you are God, right on cue. Follow You and go slow - believe that you will bring good things along the way, things that I just can't see right now.

Drive Home Playlist

2011-07-09T22:18:00.005-04:00

1. Everything - Michael Buble

2. If I had $1000000 -BNL

3. Baby I Need Your Loving -Four Tops

4. I'd Rather Be Sad in Las Vegas -Deanna Bogart

5. Too Little Too Late -BNL

6. Staple It Together -Jack Johnson

7. Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall

8. Live to Love Another Day - Keith Urban

9. Storm Warning - Hunter Hayes (the first time I heard this, I couldn't figure out if it was Keith Urban or Rascal Flatts - imo, it's the best of both worlds)

10. My Front Porch Looking In - Lonestar

11. Knee Deep (feat. Jimmy Buffet) - Zac Brown Band

12. Steal My Kisses - Ben Harper

13. Lookin' Forward - Over the Rhine

14. Faithfully Dangerous - Over the Rhine

15. You Are the Best Thing - Ray Lamontagne

16. Constellations - Jack Johnson

Building Altars

2011-07-08T14:18:00.003-04:00

"I like those scenes in the Bible where God stops people and asks them to build an altar. You'd think He was making them do that for Himself, but I don't think God really gets much from looking at a pile of rocks. Instead, I think God wanted his people to build altars for their sake, something that would help them remember, something they could look back on and remember the time when they were rescued, or they were given grace...

We have to force ourselves to create these scenes. We have to get up off the couch and turn the television off, we have to blow up the inner-tubes and head to the river. We have to write the poem and deliver it in person. We have to pull the car off the road and hike to the top of the hill. We have to put on our suits, we have to dance at weddings. We have to make altars."
- A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller

Appreciation Has Its Limits

2011-06-25T12:01:00.004-04:00

As I've read Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, I've discovered a new wonder and appreciation for life as it exists all around me - the birds, the frogs, the bugs, the flowers. But Annie, we all have to draw a line somewhere and mine gets drawn at the spiders. I've tried, I really have, but those dark, eight-legged, size-of-a-quarter creepy-crawlers have to stay outside. Crossing this girl's kitchen floor is gonna mean death by a 1980's Sears catalog...sorry.

Clouds

2011-06-24T10:52:00.009-04:00

I wish you could have seen the sky this morning - dense, thick, puffy clouds turned dark as the sun glided up slowly behind them, burning their edges into blinding slivers of gold.

I did a u-turn at the top of the street and pulled over to get my camera out of the backseat..........but the batteries were dead. I was crushed.

Not a big deal, you say - it was just a sunrise. Yeah, I know, and there will be others, but this one was amazing and it happened today in real space and real time - a fleeting moment of beauty gone forever, and for some reason, that broke my heart today.

The Wild

2011-06-21T20:25:00.005-04:00

Yesterday marked the beginning of my summer work schedule: Mondays off, 10-hour days Tuesday through Friday. I'm loving it.

I slept in for a couple hours, then read the book of Ephesians over a leisurely breakfast. A movement out in the yard caught my eye, and to my astonishment I saw a hawk flying up the grassy hill toward me. Huge, (compared to the chickadee on the bird feeder), he landed on the top rail of our porch swing, his talons gripping the painted metal bar.

I barely breathed, rooted to my seat in amazement. He raised his body up and down, peering intently at something next to the garden wall that I wasn't able to see. After several eternal seconds, he hopped down onto the ground then flew off in a whoosh - clutched beneath his body hung the faint outline of a chipmunk.

It was exhilarating; it was terrible. It was violent and magnificent. I felt awe coupled with horror.

It was wild.

Regroup

2011-06-17T08:10:00.007-04:00

I'm glad for the early morning hours when I can take a breath - when I can think clearly, when my mind is yet unfilled with the busyness of the day.

I'm glad for the chance to reflect on my behavior and fears - to see what's driving me and what it is I'm so afraid of. Every time I'm ashamed of who I am or I default to the opinions of others without acknowledging my own - every time I believe the lie that I don't matter, I get off balance and lose my footing.

I'm glad for the awareness that comes with unsettledness - I'm glad I realized something was wrong. Today I hope to do things differently - to have a voice, to find balance, to be freed up to be me.

What Am I Doing Here?

2011-06-15T21:57:00.006-04:00

What am I doing here? God put you here. Oh right...

Second chances seems to be God's theme for me. A second chance to build better relationships with my family, a second chance to go back to an old job and handle things differently and now, a second chance to go back to an organization that holds many memories - good and bad; an organization that has been both a source of deep hurt and unexpected grace. I'm full of turmoil and doubt, I'm terrified of being sucked back into the old bubble, I'm struggling not to revert to my old patterns, I feel like I'm going to explode as old fears resurface and I just want to run -- but I know I need to push through this. I know God put me here. I know He is using this to redeem the past. So as long as He's with me, I'm in.

In the core of your being...

2011-06-13T19:49:00.004-04:00

"You are not your sin; sin is no longer the truest thing about the man who has come into union with Jesus. Your heart is good. 'I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you...' (Ezek 36:26). The Big Lie in the church today is that you are nothing more than "a sinner saved by grace." You are a lot more than that. You are a new creation in Christ. The New Testament calls you a saint, a holy one, a son of God. In the core of your being, you are a good man. Yes, there is a war within us, but it is a civil war. The battle is not between us and God; no, there is a traitor within who wars against our true heart fighting alongside the Spirit of God in us..." -John Eldredge, Wild At Heart

Stumbling in Old Shoes

2011-06-08T00:03:00.008-04:00

Stumbling over untied shoelaces - strings attached to an old pair of shoes

long outgrown but still worn sometimes,

stunting my growth, op'ning old wounds, tripping up not only me but also

those with me on this path

Stumbling over my own feet,

caught in that awkward split-second

right before the fall

a thousand frantic steps to regain my footing, but can I?

Or is it too late?

Have I blown it beyond repair?

Does each scrambling step

only further endanger Your dear ones around me?

Oh God, I am a wretched mess!

Only Your hand can save me

I denounce despair and cling to You;

Restore those who suffer when I stumble.

Help me slip off these old shoes and put on the ones You gave me

Help me walk in Your freedom, not my fear

Help me believe Your grace is sufficient,

even as you pick me up from the dust.

Gravity

2011-06-06T13:13:00.000-04:00

It's not up to me

2011-06-04T09:07:00.005-04:00

"When the path before you is dotted with difficulties, beware of measuring your strength against those challenges. That calculation is certain to riddle you with anxiety. Without Me, you wouldn't make it past the first hurdle!" James 1:2, Phil. 4:13, Isaiah 26:3. (italics mine, Sarah Young, 'Jesus Calling' June 4)

It's not about my strength -- so good to be reminded of this. I've seen this over and over: faced with a situation that feels impossible, I pray (often as a last resort), and God comes through in ways I never imagined He could, changing hearts, changing circumstances, changing me.

It's not about how capable I feel; it's about how strong He is...and He's got me.

Recreated

2011-06-02T06:36:00.005-04:00

Ever felt like you're moving in the wrong direction? Instead of growing, you're reverting? Instead of taking steps forward, you're sliding backwards into old patterns and old ways of thinking? And then, when you finally see what's happening, you start beating yourself up, which only spirals you downward even more?

Yeah. Welcome to my last three days. The downward spiral affects everything: it makes me doubt my abilities, it reawakens my nevers, it stirs up thoughts of despair.

But it occurred to me last night that I have a choice...that there are two ways to look at my failures. One way is the way I've already mentioned: a one-way ticket down. The other way is to realize that this is part of the process of being recreated.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day" and "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." (2 Cor 4:16; 5:17)

Ever watched a baby learn to walk? In his little mind, crawling is obviously the faster mode of transportation, but he gets more praise if he takes halting, upright, forward steps. It doesn't happen overnight, and neither does this recreation process, but it is happening. I am growing - just being able to think about my failures differently is evidence of God's work in my heart.

"For mere improvement is not redemption, though redemption always improves people even here and now and will, in the end, improve them to a degree we cannot yet imagine. God became man to turn creatures into sons: not simply to produce better men of the old kind but to produce a new kind of man. It is not like teaching a horse to jump better and better but like turning a horse into a winged creature. Of course, once it has got its wings, it will soar over fences which could never have been jumped and thus beat the natural horse at its own game. But there may be a period, while the wings are just beginning to grow, when it cannot do so: and at that stage the lumps on the shoulders—no one could tell by looking at them that they are going to be wings—may even give it an awkward appearance." C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, (1952: Harper Collins: 2001) 215-216.

Things are a little awkward right now - my wings are still growing - but I have hope for what will one day be.

Mostly what God does

2011-05-21T21:39:00.004-04:00

"Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that."

Eugene Peterson, The Message, Eph. 5:1,2

On Harold Camping

2011-05-21T13:25:00.003-04:00

Whether you believe him or you doubt him, Harold Camping is getting a lot of press these days - especially today - the day he believes that the world will end.

It's tempting to mock him and make fun of his claims, but it's tragic to realize that some consider his words infallible. People with jobs and homes and wives and children...some who have given everything to follow this man. There have been times in my own life when I've staked my soul on falsehoods - perhaps not as publicly as this, but that heart-felt conviction still runs deep. I know what it means to be deceived and to believe with all my being that a lie is true. I know what it feels like to suffer shock when the lies I so trusted in unravel. I know the shame that comes when I realize I've been a fool.

If Camping is wrong and the world does not end tonight at 6:00pm, many people's lives will be in ruins; many people's hopes will be dashed. Many may plunge into depression or suicide. Where can they turn? Can we provide an environment of grace? Can we love them in their utter brokenness? Can we not mock them but grieve for them - can we comfort with the care of Christ, knowing that we too are so easily led astray?

Dead Branches

2011-05-10T06:37:00.010-04:00

From this morning's devotional,

"Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth. Embrace all circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them. View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on Me..."

John 15 -

"I am the vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit."

I always thought this passage referred to salvation, but now I'm wondering if it could refer to the things in our lives that stunt our growth: unspeakable hurts, all-consuming fears, festering resentments - things that, left undealt with, will eat us up inside and destroy us. I think God allows these things to resurface in new circumstances so that we can learn to deal with them differently, so that we can wrestle through them with His help, in His strength. Repeated occurrence of the same issue may either be a stubborn dead branch that will take time and effort to remove, or maybe it's God's way of pruning us to practice a new way of living. Either way, we grow - our new tender shoots of identity, trust, and freedom stretching up toward the Son who gently clears away our dead branches.

How To Numb the Pain of a Bad Day

2011-05-09T23:01:00.003-04:00

Shopping trip, glass of wine, Indian food, organic strawberries, chips and salsa, and mug of hot chocolate.

Here's to tomorrow!

I Lift My Hands

2011-05-06T18:19:00.002-04:00

"I lift my hands to believe again" goes the first line of the chorus of Chris Tomlin's newest release. I love this line because it speaks to my unbelief. There are so many times when I don't believe, when I trust in other things and in other people, and I'm so thankful for the moments when God stirs my heart again, reminding me of what's true - who he is. My refuge. My strength.

I lift my hands to believe again...and, I think, shame has no place here. Yes, I wish I trusted him more - in my better moments, this is my desire. But the fact that I fail, the fact that my trust wavers is just part of being human; not to make excuses, but to embrace the reality of my condition. And to know that, "as a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." (Ps. 103:13, 14)

There's no shame in coming back to him, in admitting my failures, in again turning my heart toward his.

I lift my hands to believe again.

I lift my hands to believe again

You are my refuge, you are my strength

As I pour out my heart, these things I remember

You are faithful God, forever.

Sunset in the Park

2011-04-30T10:23:00.000-04:00

On my way home the other night, I stopped at the park to watch the sunset. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted - I needed some time to be alone.

I parked at the lower pavilion, thinking I'd walk up the big hill to the lake, but there was a soccer game being played on the field. I didn't want to distract the players, so I ended up taking the footpath around the hill. About halfway there, I sat down on a bench - I could see the clouds and the sun and a bit of the lake...it was enough.

I reviewed the stressful contents of my day. I thought of the tornado survivors in the South and wondered how the sky could be so beautiful now after it had been so dark and scary days before. After a few minutes, I saw a young couple making their way down the path toward me. Stay or leave, stay or leave. I have a tendency to run when I'm caught in moments of vulnerability. I still needed some time though, and the sun was starting to shoot pink rays across the clouds, so I stayed. The couple passed by and said hello, and I returned to my thoughts.

A few seconds later, the girl came back, "Do you mind if I take your picture? I'd be happy to send it to you...we just thought it would look nice, the way you were sitting there..." "Ummm, sure...I guess...why not? Do I need to do anything?" "Don't smile. Just be as you were." Oh, how nice; I could do that. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to muster a smile, but I knew I could return my thoughts to the sky, to the beauty surrounding me that I hoped would revive my heart.

It must've only been a couple minutes that she snapped pictures and we exchanged contact information, but when she left, I felt different - cared for - God had seen me in my sadness and reached out his hand. He had arranged for that soccer game, had planned for me to take that unfamiliar footpath, and had encouraged me to stay when the couple approached.

The sky seemed on fire as I left - pink and golden gorgeousness. God, you did this - I want, I need to know more of you. Please show me who you are and let it sink down deep.

Jane gave me permission to include a link to the pictures she and Isaac took that night: https://picasaweb.google.com/razumovs/SunsetInThePark#

Thanks Jane. Thanks God.

One moment at a time

2011-04-28T09:05:00.002-04:00

"Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not."

-Lamentations 3:22

Most (The Bridge)

2011-04-23T21:28:00.001-04:00

Above all that we ask or think

2011-04-22T10:03:00.003-04:00

It's 11:30 AM and I'm sitting here at the kitchen table - still in my pajamas, my lemon-spice teabag staining the bottom of my mug. I'm surrounded by magazines and construction-paper cut-outs -- a gift for one of my favorite little guys -- with Bill Mallonee's latest album playing on endless repeat. There's a blog post in here somewhere.

What a week -what a couple of weeks.

A new job fell into my lap - one in my field of study, one that makes my heart hope. I'm amazed and excited; I start on May 16th.
An assignment for class sent me back to my childhood, back to my parents' selfless involvement in my life. Two pages of detailed descriptions still didn't say it all. I sat with my dad on the garden wall a couple days ago. "I've had a good life, Dad." "It hasn't been easy." "No, it hasn't been easy, but it's been good, and you were a big part of that. Thank you." I want to speak my heart to the ones I love when I have the opportunity - tomorrow isn't promised.
A series of conversations - full of truth and honesty, God and life - and then the permission to pause, to absorb, to take in, to process. I didn't even know I needed time until it was offered. So thankful for the insight and intuition given to others who then speak freedom into my life.

This morning, I'm thankful for the space to breathe.

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Eph. 3:20-21)

Going For It

2011-04-08T22:41:00.006-04:00

I got home late on Wednesday afternoon. I'd had a very interesting day - an unexpected offer, a flutter of hope, a reminder that God is mindful of me and knows my heart - I threw on my sneakers and headed out for a quick evening walk.

When I reached the top of the first hill, the sun's burnt-orange rays were spread all across the sky. I'd timed my walk to the sunset - it was gorgeous. I took a right toward the main road, where I'd have a better view.

When I got to that "better view," I realized that where I really needed to be was at the end of the next road, about 1/4 of a mile away. There, the road opened up to a field ... it would just be me and sky, which was now pink and deep purple with a yellow fireball slowly sinking into the horizon.

I'm gonna have to run if I want to get there in time. I started jogging, but that wasn't cutting it. I'm going to have to RUN. And I did.

Sometimes you just have to go for it. Risk it all. Risk it, because the sunset is at the top of the next hill. Risk it, because what lies ahead is worth it. Risk it, knowing full well that when you get there, it might not be what you expected or wanted, and run anyway. Lay it all out...dig down deep and give it your everything. Hope for something and cling to it. Believe something and stake your life on it. LIVE.

When I got to the top of the last hill, the sun had already set. The colors had faded - the clouds were gray. I was a little disappointed, but not as much as I'd thought I'd be. I wasn't sorry for running - there was no shame in giving my all.

No regrets.

Remember This

2011-03-22T19:20:00.004-04:00

Do you ever have those moments when a little voice inside you says, 'remember this.' Maybe it's a laugh, maybe a conversation with close friends, maybe a sunset or a sunrise or a mountain or falling leaves -- a moment when the deepest part of you comes alive and BELONGS -- and you hear a whisper 'remember this.'

Last night was one of those moments. Sitting with friends and strangers in a log cabin, where the ceiling stretched up and up to a patchwork quilt hung gently near the top. Large panes of glass covered an entire wall, bringing the outside in. The home glowed with golden lights and easy laughter.

And then there was music: Americana at its best. Guitar, harmonica, and the edgy, earthy-sweet voices of Bill Mallonee and Muriah Rose - their lyrics, honest and raw -- full of stories of people they've known, feelings they've felt, struggles and doubts and loss and Jesus and hope ... they have lived. They know what's important, they know what really matters. Oh, to step away from this rat race, to get off this hamster wheel and start listening, start seeing.

Remember this, remember this, remember this.

I want to really live.

Afternoon in the Park

2011-03-20T01:13:00.005-04:00

I escaped to the park Saturday afternoon. I made it around to that long, open stretch at the end of the lake -- green grass, white rocks, and gold-glinting, sun-specked water lapping gently at the bank.

It was a setting bigger and wider than me. It was quiet - just the sounds of birds and frogs and wind and water. I found a flat boulder to sit on about halfway down the hill.

I needed to be there.

I needed a bigger picture - to be part of but not the star of.

I needed the stillness.

God, I came to meet you here.

I don't have anything to say, I just want to be with you.

I feel like you're here - in the wind, in the waves, in the stillness.

God in the Midst of It All

2011-03-17T06:49:00.004-04:00

"Learn to live above your circumstances. This requires focused time with Me, the One who overcame the world. (John 16:33)

It is through spending time with Me that you realize how wide and long and high and deep is My Love for you. (Ephesians 3:17, 19)

I take great delight in you...I rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)

It is good that you recognize your weakness. That keeps you looking to Me, your Strength. I can equip you to do absolutely anything, as long as it is My will. The more difficult your day, the more I yearn to help you. Anxiety wraps you up in yourself, trapping you in your own thoughts. When you look to Me and whisper My Name, you break free and receive My help. (Philippians 4:13)

Come to Me for understanding. I view you through eyes of grace, so don't be afraid of My intimate awareness. I will never leave you or forsake you. (Psalm 139: 1-4; Joshua 1:5)"

-All excerpts from "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young

When in the midst of an all-consuming circumstance, nothing helps me more than just knowing God is THERE and hears me and loves me. There are ways he intersects my life with glimpses of him -- through a conversation, through a brilliant sunset -- He's all around me, more than I realize. He grounds me. He reminds me of who I am and who He is. Though the circumstances often don't change, I change, and that makes all the difference.

News Helicopters

2011-03-11T17:53:00.004-05:00

I'm watching the coverage about the tsunami that hit Japan - watching our news helicopters circle over the flooded homes. People are standing on their roofs, waving, clearly in distress and needing rescue ... and here we are, America's News Station, taking pictures. Taking pictures!!

I understand - to a point - that our news helicopters don't have the means of saving stranded people, but it seems cruel to hover in the sky as a possible means of rescue, only to fly away, dashing the hopes of the desperate ones below.

Imagine standing on that roof. Imagine having just lost everything, you're surrounded by water, and a helicopter appears in the sky. Feel the surge of hope in the midst of this awful, AWFUL day and wave frantically, hoping they see you. Oh, they see you alright, but they're not there to help - they just want to put you on the news. Seriously?

May the rescue helicopters come quickly.

My heart goes out to Japan.

Clip-Shadowfeet

2011-03-05T00:21:00.002-05:00

"Shadowfeet" by Brooke Fraser - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4KiGN1j1No

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet

toward home, a land that I've never seen

I am changing; less and less asleep

made of different stuff than when I began

And I've sensed it all along

fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out from under me

I'll be found in you, still standing

When the sky rolls up and the mountains fall on their knees

When time and space are through

I'll be found in you

There's distraction buzzing in my head

saying in the shadows it's easier to stay

but I've heard rumors of true reality

whispers of a well-lit way

You make all things new

When the world has fallen out from under me

I'll be found in you, still standing

Every fear and accusation under my feet

When time and space are through

I'll be found in you.

Place Matters

2011-03-04T11:39:00.002-05:00

The place where I am when I hear life-changing news becomes part of that moment's memory. Where were you when 9/11 happened? Where were you when you learned of an engagement or a pregnancy or landed your dream job or got that late-night phone call? Where were you? It matters. Places are context. Emotions and feelings and strings of memories get wrapped around tangible, real-live locations.

I'm attached to the house I grew up in, to the homes of my dearest friends, to church buildings that housed grace-filled people, to hospitals where babies were born and where loved ones died.

Place matters.

Clip-How To Be Alone

2011-02-27T17:45:00.002-05:00

A good friend emailed me this video yesterday - How To Be Alone.

Some of you might need the link address:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Listening

2011-02-19T09:00:00.002-05:00

Listening needs pauses - a beat or two (or more) of silence. The pauses allow time for consideration, for thoughtful reflection - not just for the person listening, but also for the person talking. It gives the speaker a chance to say what he/she REALLY wants to say. For the listener, the temptation is to jump right in with a comment or a bit of advice, but what this often communicates is a lack of caring or understanding. LISTEN to me. FEEL what I feel. ACKNOWLEDGE where I am and be there with me in it for just a moment.

I think we need pauses in worship too - when the song is over and the last few bars are being played, let me stand there in silent worship. Let my heart well up with thankfulness and awe. Let me reflect on the words I just sang before moving on to the next thing. Let me be still for a few moments. Let me soak it all in. I need those little pauses to listen to God's whispers.

Trouble

2011-02-12T19:10:00.005-05:00

Last night, after a stressful drive to church (running late, heavy traffic due to an accident, and a stubborn toilet paper wrapper and paper towel dispenser - silly, I know, but still...), I caught myself asking aloud, "Why does it have to be so HARD?!" Then hearing in my head, in this world you will have trouble...sigh.

This morning, I tried something different. Before I got out of bed, I told God that I had no idea what challenges or obstacles I would face today, though I knew my day would include them. I asked for strength. I asked him to prepare my heart and the hearts of those with whom I would spend time. I asked him to be with me through the yet-unknown disappointments. I read this sentence in my devotional, "As your thinking goes, so goes your entire being." (Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young)

I felt more at peace as I started my day. I felt like my expectations were realistic - that they acknowledged that things may not go as planned. I remembered that God was right there with me; I was able to thank him for the things that DID go well and accept the things that didn't:

God, thanks for letting me see the third cat this morning and that I was able to set out an extra bowl of food.

Thanks for a GREAT time with two little boys who give me so much joy.

Thanks for a windy, exhilarating walk around Centennial Park.

Thank you that I didn't get frustrated when I couldn't find pants at the mall.

Thank you for allowing me to be frustrated when I couldn't find the book I needed at Borders.

Thanks for nudging me to go home and get a snack before continuing my other errands. It was just what I needed to regroup.

Thank you for fun, new discoveries at the organic market this evening - organic flax seed, vanilla beans, and food coloring made from food, not dyes.

Thank you for helping me remember the bag of groceries in my aunt's freezer.

Thanks for catching me when I slipped on the steps - that I didn't hurt myself and I didn't crush the carton of eggs.

Thank you for safe travel on the roads.

This was my day. These were my thoughts. My days will be full of trouble - sometimes more, sometimes less. Those days that feel perfect are wonderful gifts, but they're not the norm, they're not how I should be measuring life. The sooner I believe this, the better.

Roasted Root Vegetables

2011-02-05T01:29:00.002-05:00

Mmm...roasted root vegetables: sweet potatoes, onions, parsnips, beets, and turnips (should have been a rutabaga) tossed in olive oil and roasted in the oven for an hour. Sounds easy, right? Not so much. I don't know what I did wrong, but the veggies sort of dried out and burned. Blackened turnips taste like burnt cauliflower and shriveled onions have a weird texture. On the other hand, the sweet potatoes and beets are good...I'm still not sure what to think of the parsnips.

Times like these, I'm glad I'm single. I can pick out what's edible and chuck the rest. I get to ponder my cooking strategy without embarrassment. There's no one in the next room who will be disappointed that they won't get to eat roasted root vegetables at 1:36 a.m. Tomorrow, I will contact my recipe source to determine where I went wrong. :)

Rethinking the Everyday Things

2011-01-24T21:49:00.005-05:00

It all started with a book about the chemicals in beauty products...lead in lipsticks, toxins in shampoos...so I switched from mail-order makeup to Burt's Bees, and from the cheapest shampoo on the shelf to Aubrey Organics.

Then, I had to go off caffeine to have a series of medical procedures. It's been over three weeks now and I haven't had any caffeine, except for maybe some trace amounts in a piece or two of chocolate. I miss my beloved coffee, BUT I'm sleeping better than I have in years. I'm in bed by 11:30 these days, if not earlier. It used to be closer to 1 a.m., so it's been a nice change.

I've discovered quinoa and now use it in place of rice (I cook it in chicken broth instead of water for extra flavor).

Spelt ribbons taste just as good as enriched linguine.

I'm cutting out partially hydrogenated everything and high fructose corn syrup, and I'm doing the bulk of my shopping at an organic market.

Pinch, pinch. Natural beauty products, no caffeine, and organic foods? Who is this person, and what have I done with me? :)

In a hard place

2011-01-22T22:54:00.003-05:00

Dear Readers,

Sorry for the silence. I've drafted three posts this week, but I'm not happy with any of them. There are a few things I want to share with you though. I'll try to fill in the details when I find my words again.

1. Letting go of "old ways" sucks.

"I know the power a lie has to shrink time into what seems the eternal end of things...I rolled onto the floor and cried out to God a lamenting demand that he would come and save me from the sorrow that, for the immensity of it, I could only attribute to him in the first place. I didn't want to learn whatever it was he wanted to teach me. I cried out to him an angry petition for rescue. I doubted him and needed him at the same time." -Donald Miller in "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years"

3. God keeps asking my heart, 'will you still love Me? do you still trust Me?'

Another Line From the Pulpit

2011-01-10T21:41:00.004-05:00

"This is the day You've put us in, and we ask You to speak to us in it."

I like the phrasing of this. It's contemplative...thoughtful. Our days aren't pointless or random or wasted. God specifically places us in each day.

This brings me hope.

What I Thought I Wanted

2011-01-01T19:27:00.005-05:00

What I wanted this morning's devotional to say:

Lauren, bring Me your list of hopes and desires for the new year. I will honor your heartache and reward you for your hard work. This will be the year that it all comes together for you. You've been doing everything right; don't change a thing.

What it actually said:

Come to Me with a teachable spirit, eager to be changed. A close walk with Me is a life of continual newness. Do not cling to old ways as you step into a new year. Instead, seek My Face with an open mind, knowing that your journey with Me involves being transformed by the renewing of your mind. -"Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young

Darn it.

A teachable spirit - I need to be humble, vulnerable, and willing to admit that I don't know it all. I need to place myself with people and in situations where I can learn. Learning isn't something to be ashamed of.

As for change, change is hard and painful and I'm TIRED. I really just want to arrive. I want to be done. But eager to be changed means acknowledging the hardships of change and wanting it anyway because change brings life, even though it sometimes feels like death. And continual newness? Continual disruption? Continual need for God? Oh right...

The thing about change is that when we grow, the old ways don't work as well. We have to let go of the old and learn new. What am I clinging to that's going to cripple me in the days ahead? What do I need to let go of?

I guess I'm glad the devotional didn't say what I hoped it would. I'm grateful for the opportunity to see my ugly "pay up, God" attitude and the softening that's happening in my heart. I'm glad this version of me isn't the finished product.

There's more change to come, and that's a good thing.

Sweet manger scene

2010-12-23T22:29:00.008-05:00

There are many sweet manger scenes out there, but this one caught my eye.

What I love about it is that Jesus isn't lying there motionless.

He's a little baby, moving and alive, entering into the scene and becoming part of it. He's reaching out his little arm to touch the nose of the donkey, and the donkey is staring back at him with happy wonder.

It reminds me he was human; just like us.

And even now, in the ugliest of circumstances, Jesus enters in and embraces our mess, reaching out to touch our noses, our hands, our hearts.

Hope

2010-12-15T21:00:00.002-05:00

"And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." -Romans 5:5

Pieces

2010-12-05T16:11:00.003-05:00

"Lord, we need you to put us back together this morning," came the words from the pulpit this morning.

Yes God please...because sometimes I feel like I'm broken, shattered into a thousand pieces. Please come and put me back together, and may your light shine out through the cracks.

a forwarded email

2010-12-03T23:31:00.008-05:00

I can't take credit for this one - it was forwarded to me through an email and I have no idea who put it all together.

A letter from your Heavenly Father

My Dear Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. (Ps 139:1)

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. (Ps 139:2)

I am familiar with all your ways. (Ps 139:3)

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. (Matt 10: 29, 30)

For you were made in my image. (Gen 1:27)

In Me you live and move and have your being. For you are my offspring. (Acts 17:28)

I knew you even before you were conceived. (Jer 1:4-5)

I chose you when I planned creation. (Eph 1:11, 12)

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. (Ps 139:15, 16)

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. (Acts 17:26)

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ps 139:14)

I knit you together in your mother's womb. (Ps 139:13)

And brought you forth on the day you were born. (Ps 71:6)

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. (John 8:41-44)

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. (1 John 4:16)

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. (1 John 3:1)

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. (1 John 3:7)

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. (Matt 7:11)

For I am the perfect Father. (Matt 5:48)

Every good gift you receive comes from my hand. (James 1:17)

For I am your provider and I meet your needs. (Matt 6:31-33)

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. (Jer 29:11)

Because I love you with an everlasting love. (Jer 31:3)

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. (Ps 139: 17, 18)

And I rejoice over you with singing. (Zeph. 3:17)

I will never stop doing good to you. (Jer 32:40)

For you are my treasured possession. (Ex. 19:05)

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. (Jer 32:41)

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. (Jer 33:3)

For if you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. (Deut. 4:29)

So, delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. (Ps 37:4)

For it is I who gave you those desires. (Philippians 2:13)

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. (Eph 3:20)

For I am your greatest encourager. (II Thess. 2:16, 17)

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. (II Cor. 5:18, 19)

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. (Ps 34:18)

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. (Isaiah 40:11)

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes, and I will take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. (Rev. 21:3, 4)

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. (John 17:23)

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. (John 17:26)

And to tell you that I'm not counting your sins. Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. (II Cor. 5:18,19)

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. (I John 4:10)

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. (Romans 8:31, 32)

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. (I John 2:23)

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. (Romans 8:38,39)

When it's time for you to come home, I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. (Luke 15:7)

I have always been your Father, and will always be your Father. (Eph 3:14, 15)

My question is...will you be my child? (John 1:12, 13)

I am waiting for you. (Luke 15:11-32)

With love, your Father,

Almighty God

Come on Christmas

2010-12-03T13:55:00.009-05:00

I'm really looking forward to Christmas - this is new for me. For years, I dreaded the holidays; one year, I boycotted Christmas music until just a few days before. I used to get annoyed at the stores who put out their Christmas stuff in October.

But not this year.

This year has been hard. I feel raw and exhausted and sometimes hopeless.

But there's something about being desperate and empty that makes me crave Christmas. I've been soaking in the familiar carols - they bring sweet memories and reminders of hope...a hope that goes beyond my circumstances, beyond the exhaustion and beyond the depression.

Oh God, I need you to show up for me this Christmas like you did all those years ago. Please come and get me. Please fill me and renew me and remind me why you came. I am a mess and I need you; I can't make it without you.

"...Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day to save us all from Satan's power when we were gone astray - O tidings of comfort and joy..."

"...o come Emmanuel and ransom captive Israel that mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appear - rejoice, rejoice - Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel..."

He came...he's coming...he's here...

come on Christmas.

a strange despairing

2010-11-28T12:49:00.003-05:00

what is wrong with me?
i can't leave the house without crying
and when i get to where i'm going, i cry there too, privately.
i don't have that sense of endlessly slipping away;
instead, it's just a strange despairing,
a sense of coming up empty
despite the many hugs exchanged.
nothing penetrates.
love leaves with the friend who brought it
and loneliness casts a harsh glare in the darkness.

snippet from a late-night conversation

2010-11-22T12:03:00.004-05:00

"Why go on?"

"Because we wouldn't be here if we didn't have a purpose, and nothing we go through is wasted."

Sometimes I just need to hear that.

Easing back into normal

2010-11-01T09:56:00.005-04:00

I guess it's not surprising that coming out of depression is a bit of a process. There's no question - I feel SO much better now than I did the last few months, but sometimes I get little reminders that I'm not quite 100% better.

The days feel slow to me. It seems like a long time between when I wake up and when I go to bed.

I have less energy. Sometimes I can sense it slipping away in the middle of the day...and I try to take that into consideration when I make plans.

Physical activity wipes me out. I've been walking at the Trolley Trail the last few weeks. It's less than two miles long, but I haven't been able to walk the whole thing yet, much less run.

I'm sure there are other things too, but these three stood out to me this weekend. Overall, I see signs of improvement - the fact that this a process is probably a good thing.

ever-present

2010-10-31T12:55:00.001-04:00

"God is our refuge and strength; an ever-present help in times of trouble." -Psalm 46:1

where's the view?

2010-10-17T16:01:00.006-04:00

Last night, I had a dream that I was on a hike, climbing a series of hills. The grass was yellow and brittle and crunched beneath my feet. The hills were steep, almost on a 90 degree angle. I could only see one at a time. I'd climb one hill and get to the top, and there'd be another hill. And when I climbed that hill and got to the top, there was another hill. When I looked up it seemed insurmountable, but someone told me that the view at the top was AMAZING, and I was determined to get there.

I was able to climb the first few hills without much trouble. I could find footholds in the grass, and there were other people climbing too. I started to get tired though, and it took more and more energy to climb each hill. It was so frustrating - I'd get to the top, and instead of seeing a beautiful view, I just saw a few feet of grass and then another hill. One time, I walked around a little, hoping to be able to get around the hill, hoping for a glimpse of that wonderful landscape, but no such luck. Sometimes I'd get a burst of energy and sprint up the last few feet, certain that THIS must be where I'd get even just a glimpse of the beauty. But it was always another hill.

That's all I remember of the dream. On my way to church, it occurred to me that maybe the view was behind me. Maybe all I had to do was turn around to see it. But even that doesn't bring me much hope. If all I can do is turn around and see where I've come from...if all I have to cling to is the past, that's not enough. What am I climbing these hills for? Why keep going? What's the purpose of all this?

I need God to give me a glimpse of what's ahead...MORE than just another hill.

I need something that'll take my breath away.

I need to care again.

I need things to matter.

I need direction.

I need help.

The rescue

2010-10-13T20:23:00.004-04:00

I've been watching the rescue of the miners - it started last night, and I've been glued to CNN's live feed during my waking hours.

It's unimaginable to me. Trapped for over two months - thankfully not dead, thankfully with coworkers who quickly become family, but still, with limited food, water, and light, and no means of escape. At least, not from below.

But the loved ones above - they have a rescue plan. Frankly, it sounds awful. Fifteen minutes of physical isolation and immobilization in a capsule not much broader than a man's shoulders.

Part of me cries that it's not fair. Haven't they been through enough, living in survival mode for 69 days, and then add to that the additional stress of the capsule...so many things could go wrong...must there be MORE pain? MORE anxiety? Really, God?

But there's no other way.

I've watched about 15 of the rescues. It never gets old - the miner emerging from the capsule with great joy, embracing the ones waiting above. And I cry, because it was worth it. All the pain, the fear, the anguish - it all paled in comparison with being engulfed in the arms of their loved ones.

I hope heaven is like this.

All the crumminess this world has to offer, all the trials to come and death, too ... I hope that one day when my life is over and I emerge on the other side, that Jesus will be the first one waiting to engulf me in his arms.

I do not wish to practice resignation

2010-10-05T23:46:00.004-04:00

The other day, I was reading a chapter in the book, God Never Blinks, about Henry David Thoreau. In the author's paraphrase, she wrote that he went "into the woods because he did not wish to live a hurried life nor did he wish to practice resignation."

I keep thinking about those words.

In this confusing time of low energy and strange sadness, I will do one constructive thing each day. I do not wish to practice resignation.

"...all that matters is the love you gave away"

2010-09-14T23:20:00.005-04:00

(Rosie Thomas)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wGouwD-MtU

Potato Chip Seashell

2010-09-04T20:33:00.002-04:00

I found an old bag of seashells in the garage today. I almost threw them away, but I couldn't resist the urge to rinse them off and look through them one last time.

Amongst the shards and broken pieces, I found a tiny shell that had three dark ridges running through it. It looks like a piece of a potato chip -- and then I instantly remembered finding that shell when I was little. I'd been SO excited to show my dad because he loved potato chips. I'd been thrilled to find something that reminded him of one of his passions (if you can call potato chips a passion). It was important to me to figure out what was important to him.

I smiled, remembering the laugh he and I shared about it.

I decided to keep the shell. Even though it's no bigger than the tip of my finger, it holds a happy moment.

What is success?

2010-09-04T00:41:00.003-04:00

I'd be willing to bet that my obituary will not say: "Lauren died today-good thing too, she wasn't doing anything with her life. Thirty years old, and she hadn't finished her bachelor's degree - even worse, she didn't know what she was going to do with it. She lived with her parents, she wasn't married, and she didn't even have a steady boyfriend. She was a disappointment and a failure. The world will be better off without her."

It's ridiculous, of course. Education, career, living quarters - these things don't define a person, so why do I let them consume me? Why do I allow myself to be crushed under the pressure, and where's the pressure coming from? Sometimes I don't even know-I just know I'm carrying around a heaviness that says 'you are not ok.'

A couple times a year, I get caught up in this pseudo-identity crisis. It always derails me, leaving me empty and exhausted and angry. I withdraw for awhile, then slowly re-join the world ... I decide that the things that matter can't be measured by money or career or status, and then I'm able to return to healthy functioning for awhile. It doesn't last though. Something always throws me off track and makes me question everything.

I'm so tired of the cycle but I don't know how to break it.

Love God, love people. Why isn't that enough?

Transitions and Loss

2010-08-27T13:16:00.002-04:00

My relief post was a little premature. That day was a good day, but I'm far from being "okay."

Words are hard to come by. I'm thankful for friends who can make sense of my stumbling sentences.

"Transitions and loss" was the phrase a friend used when hearing of my exhaustion.

Transitions and loss.

Relief

2010-08-21T10:31:00.003-04:00

I feel good today. I feel hopeful, I feel happy, I feel.
I'm going to be okay.

A reason to laugh

2010-08-20T15:35:00.005-04:00

I wake up in the morning at 5:30. I don't usually make it out of bed until 6:05, but I am at least semi-conscious for that first 30 minutes. Getting out of bed forces complete consciousness, and coffee makes me coherent. By 7 a.m., I'm functional. Then I drive to work. Twenty minutes in a comfy car with my favorite music means that by the time I arrive at my job, I'm half asleep all over again.

This must change.

And so, I am on a quest for audio clips of comedians - the good ones, the ones that make you laugh till you gasp for breath. I plan to replace the morning's favorite music with some hysterical laughter, hoping that it will keep me awake AND put me in a better frame of mind to handle the challenges of the day.

Red lights

2010-08-14T07:12:00.006-04:00

As most of you know, Thursday was a day of storms - severe thunderstorms in the morning, and tornado warnings in the afternoon. I hate storms. I love rain, but I hate storms. I hate the lightning, the thunder, the wind, the fast-moving clouds; I especially hate driving in storms. Do I pull over, or will that distract the drivers behind me? Do I sit under a bridge and wait it out, or is under a bridge the worst place for me to be? Should I go to the nearest building and make a run for it, or am I safer in the car? What if the roads flood? What if I hydroplane? What do I do if I'm on the highway and the sky turns tornado-green?

Thursday night, I was on my home from a friend's house. According to the weather channel, the storms were supposed to be out of the area, but directly overhead were huge, black-reddish clouds. I turned left onto Route 1 - three miles to go. The first stoplight was red. 2nd stoplight, red. 3rd, yellow. 4th, greeeeeenyellowred. 'Come on, God, just get me home!' The 5th light turned red too. Every light but one turned yellow or red as I approached. At the second-to-last light, I started laughing. 'Okay God, yellow and red lights...the storm clouds are all around me, and you're asking me to wait? Wait for what?! Look at the sky, it's going to open any minute. Why won't you let me get out of this? I know I have to believe that you see me and you see the weather, but for SOME reason you think it's good for me to be a SITTING DUCK...am I supposed to wait out the confusion too? All the signs say 'get out,' but should I wait? Is that what this is about?

I don't know - God didn't really answer, but the storms never hit, not even a raindrop.

overload

2010-08-11T17:26:00.004-04:00

"this physical reaction to mental stress" - the words stand out, as if in bold, in a friend's timely post.

I was at the craft store yesterday when I had to rush out in the middle of my shopping because I suddenly felt like I was going to faint or throw up or both. This happened once before in March...I remember it so clearly; i was standing in the canned vegetable aisle clutching a can of corn, weighing my options (sink to the floor - very tempting - or try to make it to the car - i did). I made it out this time too, and spent much of the evening trying to figure out what was going on. I think I finally had a breakthrough...more on that later.

confused

2010-08-04T23:42:00.004-04:00

You know what, God? I've been praying about this. I've been really scared, but I've been moving forward anyway. I've been open. I've been vulnerable. I haven't done things perfectly, but I've been trying to be the best me I can be.

I don't know what's going on. I don't know why the silence. I don't know if this is a test, a reason to be concerned, a tender, stinging mercy...I don't know what to think.

But I'm going to believe that you love me. I'm going to trust that you're in control and you know what's best. I'm going to allow the confusion to hurt, and I'm not going to beat myself up for caring. I'm going to acknowledge that something I thought was dead stirred my heart a little bit - and that's a good thing. I'm going to admit that I've stuffed my desires and dreams out of fear that I won't be able to handle the disappointment if things don't turn out. You planted these longings inside of me - thank you for showing them to me. Thank you for the pain that drives me to you...thanks for never leaving. Please help me to own the things in my heart. Please help me to want what you want for my life.

Shadow

2010-08-01T13:44:00.002-04:00

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty."

I bet that's a pretty big shadow...

step by step

2010-07-18T13:35:00.002-04:00

"even if it takes my whole life to get to where I need to be" --lifehouse

"for I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand,
saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.'" --Is. 41:13

Even if it takes my whole life, hold my hand, God.

bowed down

2010-07-12T20:48:00.003-04:00

On Sunday, I started crying in church and couldn't stop. They weren't gut-wrenching sobs, just streaming tears. It was over something silly, mostly, but was just enough to crack my emotional shell. I started to think back over the past couple of weeks -- some hard realizations I've had to face, some lines I've had to draw, some changes in friendships, the death of someone with whom I went to high school, fear, anger, helplessness...the tears just kept coming. Then tonight in Psalms I read, "The LORD upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down." Bowed down. That's how I feel.

So God... I come to you heavy-hearted, believing that I am safe with you, believing that you welcome me in my mess, that you will let me rest my head on your shoulder, that you will comfort me...

Be-ing

2010-07-05T20:59:00.002-04:00

I spent a much-needed, restful two days in Deep Creek with some dear, dear friends. We had 80 degree weather, no humidity, and clear, blue skies. The moment I stepped out on the back deck, I felt a heaviness depart from me. I could breathe; there was space and love for me there. I could just be.

worn

2010-06-28T21:20:00.002-04:00

I am weary and sad tonight. I'd like nothing more than to be with people who truly know me and who understand without giving quick-fix answers.

a father's evening

2010-06-27T09:33:00.001-04:00

I was at the mall the other night in one of the stores when a salesperson rushed past me. "Have you seen a little boy?" I heard her ask a coworker. A few seconds later, I heard an announcement come over the PA system, "Will so&so please meet your family at the 2nd floor escalators." I glanced over and saw a big, burly man and his little daughter waiting there. 'Yikes!' I thought, 'bet he's pissed!' This happens fairly frequently - kids getting separated from their parents in stores. There are so many distractions and great hiding places. I imagined they'd find the boy pretty quickly. About ten minutes later, another distressed salesperson strode past. 'Hm,' I thought, 'Is the boy still missing?' I peeked over at the escalators - sure enough, the man was still standing there, pacing now, on his cell phone. I began walking through the store, hoping to catch a glimpse of a lost child, but saw no one. After several minutes of searching, I approached the father.

"Is it your son who is lost?" I asked.
"Yes." he said, looking stricken, "We were rushing to get through the store ... my daughter and I went this way and he must've gone that way...we were rushing..." his voice trailed off as his eyes glistened. I was surprised at his soft-spokenness and lack of anger.
"Oh how scary," I said, thinking of other friends who've lost their children in public places and how terrifying the experience is.
He nodded and told me how old his son was and what he was wearing, and I promised to keep an eye out for him. I circled the store a few more times, (checking the escalators periodically), then headed out into the mall into the other nearby shops, praying the child would be found. After 10-15 minutes, I re-entered the store and saw that the man was gone. Excited, I walked toward the main entrance and saw him standing there with several other salespeople. I caught his eye -- "They found him!" he said with a huge smile, "They're bringing him to me-thank you for looking." I expressed my relief, then walked out into the mall a bit to watch the reunion unfold. As his son came into view, the father laughed and cried and threw his arms around the people next to him...

I've been reflecting on this for a couple days, unsure what the lesson is, but knowing there's something for me to learn. The father was not what I expected. I was expecting him to be angry, not anxious. I was expecting him to be hostile, not vulnerable. I was expecting him to express disappointment and hatred, but he didn't. He was afraid, he was panicked, he was tearful; he wanted help finding his son, and I could tell he wanted to be looking too, but knew he needed to stay near the escalators in case his son appeared. Whatever they were rushing for earlier was no longer important. All his energy was focused on finding his boy - it consumed him.

I was surprised at the love of the father.

i do coffee

2010-06-23T21:54:00.002-04:00

in lieu of signing up for internet dating, i am seriously considering creating business cards with my picture, email address, and tag line that says, "i do coffee." I will hand them out to my friends and relatives, and they can distribute them to the eligible, non-jerk, bachelors they meet. this idea is more palatable to me than online dating, but - is it weird? will it work? sigh...